The Party Rulebook

By on June 1, 2015

All over the world, human beings love to celebrate and make merry for various reasons. Sometimes, we make merry to celebrate a fortune that has happened and other times we make merry because of anticipated fortune. On other occasions we make merry because we don’t know what else to do. And sometimes we make merry just because we can afford it.

No matter the nature or reason of merry making, there are always three categories of people to talk about. There are the hosts or ‘throwers’ of the party, the attendees (both invited and uninvited), then there is quite naturally, the rest of the world. In this Blog post, we explore the behaviour and conduct that each person must display depending on which category you fall in.

The Hosts / Initiators / Inventors / Throwers / Owners of the party

As the person who has decided to host a party at your little pad in Bugolobi, beware that your event will by all means be crushed. One of the harsh realities of hosting a party is, knowing that you will always have more people than planned; unless your party is like Pauline’s birthday party where she demanded that everyone come a drink, their own food and a well wrapped gift for the birthday girl. Throwing a party (no matter how little) should always be done when you are sure you have enough funds to actually foot the bill. The culture nowadays is for the party host to ask whoever is attending to carry along a drink. Smart way to cut out the good-for-nothing party animals who are simply looking for free alcohol, wifi, food and a hiding from their landlords.

Also, as the host, you are supposed to brace yourself for whatever mayhem and destruction will come from the merry making. Oftentimes after people have thrown parties, when they take stock, they will realise a few things missing; some glasses broken, a carpet left tainted, one or two neighbours insulted and a whole lot of toilet tissue missing. Well, that is the price of hosting a party.

House messIt will be as if a little tornado ran through your house

Also, as the party host, your responsibility is to make sure the people you invited are having fun and not incessantly fingering their phones looking for where the real party is. If Abdallah does not drink alcohol but there is a round of drinking games going on, find him some poison that will get him smiling; probably ask Jennifer the local Church girl to give him company or simply direct him to where the Play Station is so he can get some action too, albeit sober action.

When it comes to things like invites, directions and the menu, you ought to carefully plan these well before the party so that your guests do not feel like they are going for a bizarre unscripted blood ritual in the forests of Bwindi – things should be clear and precise.

The Guests / Invitees / Parasites / Party People

Listen guys, if you are invited for a party, it is not compulsory that you must attend. Be careful and specific about which parties you attend otherwise you might as well add ‘Freelance Party Animal’ to your bio. Always go for parties where you know the host AND someone else. It is not mandatory to know the host but you must know at least one other person. That way, you can be sure that if you get sloshed, start speaking in tongues and feel like flying, there will be at least one person to keep you grounded – literally.

Before you go for the party, pick out the right outfit. If the invite says ‘All White Party’, you might want to borrow something White so you don’t have the fashion police taking mug shots of you in your ridiculous pink suit. Also, if you know that the party will be taking place from about 6pm, you might want to arrive within acceptable time of the party starting. Unless you have conferred with the host and are permitted to arrive extremely late, you have no business arriving 2 or 3 hours after the party has started. That is plain disrepectful and totally insensitive of you. Try and keep time so the host knows that their party was/is a priority in your list of to-do things.

Also, as a guest, you do not want to come to the party and then take over the whole thing. Stick to your corner and keep a low profile until you are called upon to make a grand appearance. Others folks might not take too well to one specific individual throwing back more cocktails than others or getting too cosy with the host’s sister. No matter how many people you know, try to keep it together and maintain a state of calmness.

B707KM Woman lies drunk on floorDo not lose the plot … no matter what!

The Rest of the World / Those who were not invited

There are three things that one can do if they have not been invited for a party. The first of these three is the most obvious – crush the bloody party! I have not yet attended a party where there is roll call to identify everyone who is in attendence. As such, with well executed tact and party crushing skills (which I will share in the near future) one can sneak into a party unnoticed and have the time of their lives. However, as already highlighted, if you manage to sneak in, do not party and ‘turn up’ more than the folks who were actually invited. Stay as inconspicuous and unnoticeable as possible. Come in a little after the party has started and leave just before it ends.

The second thing you can do if you were not invited but had hoped to attend is stay away from social media platforms where updates on the said party shall be floating endlessly. If you have to, momentarily unfollow whoever is at the party for a few hours until after the party because you will probably start feeling a hint of jealousy. The decisions that are born of jealousy are never smart – drunken or sober. Lock yourself up in the office and work extra late and then go straight home thereafter.

JealousyLet not the green eyed monster of jealousy creep up on you

The third option could be simply going on with your life like the party animals do not even exist. Right when the party is happening, counter it with a few inspiration quotes about wasting one’s life away partying and being a nuisance. Throw in something about how today’s society is so taken up by trivial things like having fun and making merry and not important things like nation building and economic empowerment. You can take it a tad further and post a few bible verses as well as some pictures of people in a drunken stupor – probably someone who just did a number two on himself because of drunkeness. Let it be known that instead of attending the party that will probably degenerate into a bunch of unemployed people making merry with the little money they have borrowed, you have decided to embark on reading Lincoln Child’s Forgotten Room or Paulo Coelho’s 2011 Novel Aleph which deals a lot with Spirituality. You are better than those party animals!

When all is said and done, whether you are a party maker, a party goer or simply a party hater – these tips should be helpful if you are to survive in this world that seems to thrive on making merry.

“I drink to the general joy o’ the whole table.” Macbeth” ― William Shakespeare, Macbeth

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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Beewol – The Talkative Rocker

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Baldie. Ailurophile. Social Media Junkie. Blogger. Pluviophile. Fixer. Sober Drunkard.
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