The Facebook Story

By on July 1, 2013

Statistics show that in just a period of nine years, Facebook has gained a population size that according to analysts took humans several hundreds of thousands of years to achieve. By March 2013, there were 1.11 billion active Facebook accounts. Now this right here is what we call a revolution. Almost everyone I know has a facebook account. There are some traditional people who have refused to join this social network for reasons that range from religion to lack of internet to the colour of Facebook not being political in line with their thinking. However, these are the minority.

Over the time I have been on Facebook, I have realized that there are different categories of people on this rather large network. While some are on it for noble causes, eventually, somehow they also get sucked into the bogus dynamics of this Blue network. Each person joins Facebook for a different reason. Some join to find partners; others join because they have a lot of free internet and nothing to use it for. Some others join so they can play Farmville, Castleville and other bogus pointless yet abnormally addictive games. Occasionally, you will come across those who join Facebook to pursue Nobel causes like charity, humanitarian activities and other boring projects.

When people join Facebook, they take up a certain chain of behavior which usually becomes part and partial of what I like to call the Facebook story. This story is practically a breakdown of the kind of people who are on Facebook. A few weeks back, I did put up a Blog Post about The Twitter Story and so today I thought I should balance the equation and do one on Facebook.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Facebook story

OMG! Breaking News!

There are many folks whose sole purpose is to inform the world about what is going on in their locations. Many of these folks are actually legitimate news hungry people who are keen to share events around the globe on social media. Some are just attention hungry suckers looking to attract attention to themselves by breaking the most bizarre news. Such folks will have put up a status update ‘R.I.P Nelson Mandela’ ten times over in the past week alone; not because they were in the hospital room together with the Mandela family but because, well, they want to be the first to break the news. Of course Mandela has since made them look like fools by clinging onto his life a little longer anticipated. These are the people who pissed off Makaziwe Mandela, Nelson Mandela’s daughter. They also pissed off Maureen, a friend who holds Mandela very dear and was totally enraged by the constant scares of “R.I.P Mandela”

The Liking Syndrome  

For many Facebookers, the bitter truth is slowly starting to sink in that it is actually impossible to save an African child from starving by simply clicking ‘Like’ on a facebook post. After several attempts at liking many seemingly well intentioned pages and posts, people are now realizing that children in Africa continue to die of hunger and malaria despite the numerous likes. The people who like such posts are very much like those who put up status updates and openly ask for people to ‘Like’. Listen folks; if I like something, I will bloody well click LIKE at my own will. Why beg or plead for it? Also, liking a post does not necessarily show that people are in agreement with your opinion. Many people get on Facebook and randomly click LIKE on whatever comes their way. This probably explains why someone puts up an update “Dear friends, I just lost my dad in a car accident” and she garners a couple of likes. Total wankery if you ask me.

409funny facebook button likeWe need more options you know …

The Masturbating lot

This is probably going to rub a vast majority of people the wrong way but I believe clicking LIKE on something you have personally posted equates to masturbation. Now before you hurl insults in my direction or demand for my head, here me out now. (First take your hands away from your body … put them where I can see them. Good. Let’s move on.) You see, the opinions that emerge from your mind are most likely opinions you already like. You are not going to share an opinion that you do not like; more so on Facebook. So by the time you put it out there, it means you are in agreement with yourself. Now when you go ahead to click LIKE on the same post, it would seem like there is a chance you could have not liked your own opinion. Am I taking you round in circles? Yes? Good. That is my intention. This is the exact confusion I feel when I see someone liking their own Post. It gets me thinking … maybe this person is not sure of themselves. Or perhaps when they put up the post they were not too sure it was the right thing to do and now suddenly they realize it actually does hold sense. Whatever your reason for liking your own post, picture or update on Facebook, I would very much like to hear it – after you have deactivated your account and been to rehab for a week or two.

liking-own-status-updatesYou know!

Drama queens & reality star dweebs  

More often than not, you will come across drama queens making the most of their free access to internet to pour their hearts out to whoever cares to notice. Obviously there is plenty of freedom of expression, speech and madness. But surely, there are some things that deserve to be left in the safe confines of your senseless mind.  It might be that you are an expressive person who loves to let your feelings be felt and shared so you will find it paramount to keep updating people about what happens in your day-to-day life. However, like I said, some details ought to be omitted. Unlike Twitter where you can flood the timeline with several Tweets within a short time, Facebook is not the sort of platform where you will need to update your status every other second. I personally think that if a status update is not funny, insightful, thought provoking, informative or motivational you should not put it up. If it’s just telling us how many cups of tea you have now had, better to take that to Twitter because on Twitter the people there are intelligent, they will put you exactly where you belong – in the trash can. Facebook people will LIKE such a bogus update and you will start thinking you actually have a life yet it’s really just a drama show – with only you as the star and audience.

Babies Galore

In the recent past, everyone seems to be having a baby. No harm in that. Everyone seems to love their child quite a lot. No harm in that too. Everyone seems to want to take pics of their child. Not much harm there as well. Everyone wants to share numerous pictures of their ugly babies on Facebook. Now there is a problem here. If these little chaps had it their way, I am sure they would totally be against having their rather embarrassing pictures being displayed for the whole world to see. I personally think in a couple of years, children are going to start suing their parents for sharing too many of their pictures on facebook without their consent. Give it time. By the time the Kids who were born in this Facebook era are fully grown, the word privacy will long be dead; along with ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’. I have no problem with sharing a few pictures of you and your child having a good time somewhere as long as the little child has a say in the matter. You should not post a picture unless the parties in the picture are okay with it. Period!

…enter the Nigerians

As long as anything is on the internet, the Nigerians have infiltrated it. It’s as simple as that. Nowadays, I get strange inbox messages from seemingly good looking ladies with attractive names and fine profile pictures. The topic of discussion is usually the same. “please send me an email so I can send you my pictures and we can be friends”. While the rest of us are busy being good people on the internet, the Nigerians are not sleeping; they are creating all sorts of accounts to fleece unsuspecting sex hungry men who obviously never run out otherwise how else would these Nigerians carry on with their fake account business? Occasionally you will come across a Uganda guy with an account of a female having very attractive pics with the intention of detooting an unsuspecting single guy. Such people are increasing by the day and I have personally been able to identify and shame some of the guys running such accounts.

Group Whores

Whenever I log into my Facebook account, I find a load of notifications, invitations and request staring me in the face. More than 90% of the people who send these things do not even know me. But since they and I are ‘friends’ (a word which Facebook should change to ‘additions’), it would appear that they can send me those things as much as they like. Luckily, newer Facebook settings allow for you to block some notifications, app invites and requests. That said, there are many people who are keen on being members of each and every group they come across and they tend to want to add all their friends in there as well. Well, for such people, the word ‘deactivate account’ should be made more visible and probably highlighted because that is exactly what they ought to do. Save everyone the stress and deactivate the account.

Bored-AudienceOh so you are admin of the group? Must be so phucking awesome being the only active person in the group

I could go and on about the facebook behavior but I’m sure by now some of you are slowly looking for the button to close the page coz I just pissed you off by calling you a masturbating fool or drama queen. Keep calm friends. I have the license to insult you; it’s Monday!

Now go on and enjoy your Monday; do enjoy this little quote while you are at it.

“Social media has infected the world with a sickening virus called vanity.”

― Kellie Elmore

Your Truly

Bernard Ewalu Olupot

a.k.a Beewol

The Talkative Rocker

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Beewol – The Talkative Rocker

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Baldie. Ailurophile. Social Media Junkie. Blogger. Pluviophile. Fixer. Sober Drunkard.
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Latest posts by beewol (see all)

  • I’m guilty of babies galore… luckily my baby is gorgeous. But my lawyers are prepared and ready in case any lawsuit comes my way!!

    • I really worry for you my dear. Soon as your child comes of age, law suits will come flying in from all directions. Set aside a substantial fund to cater for this please. Good luck too

      • Hahaha… I have started the saving scheme!

  • Tasha_Tboo

    Interesting read, liked the piece on masturbating you couldnt have put it any better,always puzzles me when peeps like their own shit!

    • Some people are very okay with masturbation. And it’s probably not illegal to masturbate. But for crying out loud, can they please do it in the privacy of their heads and not where we can see them!

  • Francesca Desire

    I love the Group Whores part.. Everyday im added to a new group and i always click on “Leave Group”..

  • It’s a jungle on facebook! People invite you to events, groups and pages that you have absolutely no interest in. Useless invites just!

  • umar

    nice article,,,u neva dissapoint

  • haha…stumbled upon your blog…I am the kind who likes my own posts so I am guilty of masturbating haha just to ‘console’ myself. Oh then the like buttons…we surely do need more buttons… like ewwwww…disgusting….
    interesting read I must say

    • So you also like your own protests? Hhhhmmm. Lucky for you masturbation isnt’ really illegal. Just try to keep it on the down low 😉

  • luckily twitter dumped the masturbating lot by preventing folks from re-tweeting their own tweets kubanga it would be bloody

    • Indeed, thank heavens!!!

      • hihihi………….naye am tired of tweeps who re-tweet just coz you mentioned them in a tweet

        • ha ha ha. Calm down bro, we are attacking FB here, not Twitter.

  • Talk about babies privacy! it has been grossly abused. If these social media amateurs read knew how many of these things suck. Great article bwana Bernard. Keep-it-up.

    • Thank you Moses. I worry for the parents who are parading pics of their babies all over the internet. Law suits are on the way …

  • Walakira Abdul

    I totally agree with u on th’t masturbation thing!

  • mehhn u’ve been spot-on on every single point….we’ve been watching helplessly as these bizarre facebook activities go on

    • Very True. This whole Facebook thing is getting to me you know.

  • Victoria

    u have always been one of my best and u always come out smart.nice article…gat me smiling