Stop the Apocalypse

By on October 31, 2016
end-is-near

The World is coming to an end and it seems like there is very little we can do about it – at the moment. In the near future perhaps scientists from MIT will have a symposium where they will invite witchdoctors from Mayuge District, Cardinals from the Vatican and some Sheikhs from Mecca. Only then might we as a race be able to come up with some kind of remedy that will prolong the lifespan of the World and stop the apocalypse. For now though, it is safe to say the end times are nigh.

One does not have to look too far to see the signs that the end as we know it, is around the corner. The Ugandan economy is in shambles despite reassurance from the slow-motion speaking Mutebile, women are auctioning their virginity online, Eddy Kenzo got into a mini-fight with Cassper Nyovest because of MAMA Awards, the funniest African is Ugandan, Manchester United is pathetic and Donald Trump actually has a shot at becoming president of the United States.

Lucky for us human beings, we serve a very forgiving God and one who actually does speak to us every once in a while, contrary to what Atheists claim. Occasionally he speaks through the first Lady Janet Museveni although on such occasions the message is not really about running water in Karamoja or a furnished ward in Mulago but rather about her political career.

The fact is God communicates to his people.

Last night he communicated to me through a dream. This was not one of those overly wet dreams where God is a female with a gorgeous body that requires worship all night long. This one was a legitimate conversation over coffee and donuts somewhere in Kiwatule.

In my dream, the Lord and I sat down to discuss a number of issues regarding the pending apocalypse that we have on our hands. The man upstairs went ahead to explain that the world could be salvaged and the apocalypse stopped, but only after a few things are done immediately.

  1. Cancel the US Elections and Jail both candidates

I tried to ask the Lord why he was making such extreme demands and all he could say was he disliked the fact that both Trump and Clinton seemed rather focused on fighting each other as opposed to fighting for the people whose votes they were seeking. I went ahead to mention to the Lord that as a Ugandan I was not as bothered about the outcome of the US election and the Lord burst out into heavy laughter.

It started with a chuckle that developed into a heavy uncontrollable laugh.

I was not too impressed and wondered why the fella was laughing and he told me quite clearly that even if I had little interest in the American Presidential elections, it would be likely that if the Americans voted in the wrong person, the rest of the world would pay for the sins of the American voters. I didn’t bother to ask more questions, seeing as I was only meant to be a messenger.

  1. Burn down the Ugandan Parliament

According to the Lord in my dream, the Ugandan Parliament is no longer a place where legislation occurs. It is a place where money hungry individuals set up camp to fleece unsuspecting citizens and rob them of their hard earned money while making a mockery of the constitution. They are using it to wipe their behinds after devouring whatever little money we as Ugandans collect in form of taxes. Basically the Ugandan Parliament has become some kind of repressive organ that cares for its own well being and is comfortably milking dry its already emaciated cow.

Burning down the Parliament and subsequently banning it, according to the Lord, would be the only way to rid society of these goons who are posing as members of Parliament deliberating on behalf of the people. It would send them back to the villages from whence they came and render their money stealing ventures null and void.

Also, it would give us room to clear the building where Parliament stands so we can set up a new church named the Reformed Alliance of the Lord’s Episcopal Evangelical Ministries for which I would be Minister.

I had a mini rant about burning down Parliament and you can read it here, thus sayeth the Lord.

  1. Give Sheebah a Reality Show

Ugandans are massive consumers of ratchet (bubble gum) music and even when we openly condemn the obscene raunchiness in the music that we listen to, we secretly yearn for more of the same. And so Sheebah Karungi has turned out to be one of the hottest items at the moment. Quite naturally, a good number of men have taken the ‘hottest item’ thing literally and they are trying to place bids so they can get a piece of her.

The instructions here are clear, give Sheebah a reality show where we can follow her every move and we can understand why and how she suddenly picked up interest in farming thus calling herself some kind of garden that requires weeding, ploughing and what not.

Through the reality show, we can also be able to find out how she manages to sound so sexy and delicious in Vernacular and then go ahead to make a spectacular 360 degree turn when it comes to English.

sheebahImagine Sheebah gracing our TVs in a reality show. Such deliciousness! 

       4. Start teaching Golf in Schools

While in the middle of my conversation with the Lord, he pulled out his phone and scrolled through the gallery to show me an image. I tried to peep but all I could make out were golf clubs plus a few Nike and Slazenger Shoes – for golf. As it turns out, golf is the new craze in heaven.

And the Lord wants us to bring this craze down to earth.

To drive his point home, the Lord showed me pictures of the Ugandan Golf team at the East African Golf Challenge. I was informed that Uganda won this tournament for the third year straight despite stiff competition from Kenya.

Such wonderfulness.

For this reason alone, the Lord instructed me to pass on the message to whoever it may concern that if we cannot give our school going children proper education through UPE, at least we can venture into teaching them golf. That way in the future they can be able to easily wear neat trousers, expensive t-shirts and swing their golf clubs as though they were taking a swing at the devil.

  1. Leave Kato Lubwama Alone

Today, it seems like unless one has a couple of degrees under their belt they are regarded unfit to perform whatever duties are assigned to them. People like Honourable Kato Lubwama are the few surviving individuals of a breed that is becoming extinct – a breed that do not need to sit exams to get validation. People like Kato Lubwama represent a race of people more interested in doing than writing 420 Paged books about doing.

Of course once Parliament is banned all this will be irrelevant but in the meantime, the suggestion is that we leave Kato Lubwama alone. His 15 seconds in the Parliament have not yet even entered the fifth second and already we are up in arms. And what is worse, our rants are all in English – how is the man supposed to get by? How?

lubwama

We need this Swag in Parliament!

The recommendation is therefore that we leave Kato Lubwama alone and instead introduce Entry Level Exams for MPs. These would definitely not have anything to do with the Canadian Prairies, The Bourboun Monarchy or Otto Von Bismarck. Instead, they will have more relevant issues like the Rolex, the life and times of Bad Black, the Fairway Roundabout, Crane Bank shenanigans and the different between Yellow, Blue and Red in Ugandan political circles.

These five recommendations were forwarded by the Lord as the only way in which we can put off the Apocalypse. I am only the messenger.

A voice is calling, “Clear the way for the LORD in the wilderness; Make smooth in the desert a highway for our God. Isaiah 40:3-5

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

Disclaimer – The views expressed in this Blog Post are by no means meant to infuriate the Lord’s humble servants who might be googling the word Blasphemy. Keep calm and enjoy the smiles.

 

 

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beewol

Baldie. Ailurophile. Social Media Junkie. Blogger. Pluviophile. Fixer. Sober Drunkard.
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One Comment

  1. UgBloc

    November 1, 2016 at 6:26 am

    Haha… Nice. Too true on very many points like this one- “Ugandans are massive consumers of ratchet (bubble gum) music and even when we openly condemn the obscene raunchiness in the music that we listen to, we secretly yearn for more of the same.”

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