Open Letter to The Rich Gang

By on January 4, 2016
Rich_gang_logo

What’s up Guys;

My name is Beewol and I represent a number of your fans. We think ‘The Rich Gang’ is one of the most awesome cliques this country has ever seen. Forget the Mafia Cliques, NRM Cliques, Opposition cliques and even the Mama Tendo Cliques; you boys are the real deal so far! My friends and I have been engaging in arguments to defend you before these brainless and slow-witted Ugandans but our attempts to clear your names have been futile thus far. Everyone seems to think you guys are feeble-minded and immature.

And so we need some help.

Before we can even go into details of this letter, please get an assistant, preferably a pretty girl who will be the letter reader and will also double as the interpreter because I have been reliably informed that you boys have no use for the rather complex English language. I don’t like it that much either. Too many complicated words stringed together to form convoluted statements that simply confuse us.

Stress just!

And I hear that you have no time to read all the fan-mail you receive. So get that assistant right now and let’s get underway.

Also, do open up a Cognac Brugerolle vintage 1795 or whatever expensive cognac you boys take when you’re reading your fan mail, then recline in your leather seats as you listen to the gorgeous lady read out this fan mail. She should sound anything between Juliana Kanyomozi singing and Jacki Lumbasi reading a beautiful news bulletin with long sexy words.

Let me start by wishing you a happy new year. I heard that you guys had a swell festive season, making it rain and all. You had a bunch of parties including that other one at Silk. From what I hear the Silk Party was slightly different from what was expected. Apparently you boys opted to not make it rain this time round and instead made it drizzle for a little while and only on Sheebah and Irene Ntale.

I don’t blame you – I’d have done exactly the same thing.

You see these Ugandans want free things. Apparently they expected you to make it rain on them. Lazy lumpens looking for freebies!

And if I were you, I’d not just make it drizzle on Sheebah and Irene Ntale. I’d add a few more ladies to that group; better looking ones at that; and then I would make it flood on them. They’d be so drenched in my money floods they’d require my permission to breathe.

And then those haters I see popping up claiming that you guys get your money in unscrupulous and mysterious ways; who the phuck are they anyway? Who knows them? WHO?

Bloody poverty stricken social media war lords hiding behind their keyboards when they’d secretly rather be kneeling before you and kissing your hands! Which reminds me, I heard that you boys once made Chameleon kneel to thank you for a BMW you bought him and I also hear that you guys once tipped Bebe Cool handsomely after a performance; on condition that he knelt to receive the tip.

Woah! Such Boss moves you have!

Forget all these bogus haters wasting your time with CHEAP gossip started in 3k-beer-bufundas and then regurgitated onto Facebook and Twitter using free office wifi. Forget them. They’re now alleging that some of the businesses you guys list as owning back in South Africa do not have presence on Facebook, Twitter or on any websites. They even allege that the only results Google will spit out when your business names are typed in are street locations of payphones and street signs. And of course one or two scandalous stories about how these same businesses do not exist.

Pure hatred!

One of these haters went as far as alleging that you boys are nothing but a bunch of street muggers and iron-bar hit men that target the rich and rob high value SUVs cars which you later sell in DRC, Juba, and other countries on the continent.

Such venom can only be inspired by jealousy.

I see a couple of your posts and I think to myself, ‘My Gosh!’ How can one man have so many pairs of shoes? And how can a guy have such a beast for a car? And My Goodess – how can a man have such wonderful mirrors in his bedroom? And wait, such nice looking sheets on your beds? Is that a fur coat in the corner? WOW! And how can he bed such fine women one after the other? And then the answer is right there in front of me – only the Rich Gang can manage such swag. I doubt even Sudhir with all his financial might can parade that much money just for the fun of it.

I am not sure when your next party at Club Silk will be but I’d like to be looped in so I can also attend. And no, I will not be there to have it rain on me. I will be there just to pick up a female or two. I am told that guys who attend your parties come out finer and more refined gentlemen. Apparently you boys give off a chunk of wisdom in those parties. I want to be one of those men who drink from your wisdom. I want to figure out how you guys are able to splash around that much money and not have the cops even lift a finger.

A few years ago a one Michael Ezra splashed money and ended up turning heads, including police heads and from what I gather, things did not end so well for him. One of my boys argues that your time is soon running out and the source of your wealth will be found out – he reckons you will all disappear into thin air or worse, end up behind bars.

I disagreed with this (now former) friend of mine vehemently. We even fought. He lost a tooth and I lost respect. But who needs respect? Right?

Teach me your ways gentlemen, TEACH ME! And while you’re at it, I could do the cleaning up after you have made it rain on some of those fine women every once in a while. I also know a certain girl who would probably give me twins if I handed her the latest iPhone or Samsung gadget. At the moment I’d have to part with a few body parts to secure this gadget but I am sure that with your help I just might have my body stay intact and also make it flood on a certain female.

While some of your close people might read this letter and claim that it is splashed with sarcasm, I suggest you do not listen to them – the same way you have refused to listen to people who attempt to reason with you. Who needs to invest money when there are parties to attend, women to smash and an entire country waiting to be wowed? WHO? Certainly not me and I sure as hell doubt you have time for that nonsense.

So let us party hard and keep this Rich Gang madness going on. It is a perfect distraction from the constant poverty, unending politics and over hyped but bogus music we have going on right now. It is also a wonderful distraction from the currently pathetic Manchester United football season.

I love it!

A fist bump from wherever you are guys!

Yours in Future Wealth;

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

 

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beewol

Baldie. Ailurophile. Social Media Junkie. Blogger. Pluviophile. Fixer. Sober Drunkard.
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7 Comments

  1. Arutu Peter

    January 5, 2016 at 5:50 am

    Awesome awesome piece!!!! A big pow wow to you beewol. I do hope the would be Secretary/ Assistant will be able to convey the message to our beloved Rich Gang accurately given that these, “bu haters” say the requirement for recruitment is mouth watering beauty and not brains. These “bu haters”, “twakowa.”

    • beewol

      January 5, 2016 at 11:39 am

      Indeed. Twakowa bu haters :-)

  2. Arthur Oyako

    January 5, 2016 at 9:12 am

    I am sure the gang is about to call you for one reason or another, but most probably to hire you as their next secretary, promotions manager, tea boy and everything in between. Beautiful piece though.

    • beewol

      January 5, 2016 at 11:40 am

      Thank you Arthur. I hope they call me … I also want to be rich this year. Tired of saying hello from the other side … the broke side. lol

  3. Ivan

    January 5, 2016 at 11:34 am

    Hello Beewol,
    Thank you for your writing. Many people are under the idea that we don’t care of our funs. This is gross error, and anyone that has undergone a surgical process as I have will explain why it takes time to respond.
    As a matter of truth, your massage found me trying to fix what the doctor told me is color corrective surgery. I like your idea very much of getting a girl to handle this fun mails, but their two problems with that.
    One. The girls in this country are very money minded and I would rather a girl who is serious about her work. I did not make my millions by just looking good.
    Some may argue that by being next to a color photocopy machine with a one hundred dollar note, I happened to be in the right place at the right time. These people are haters and don’t know about struggling. They were not there when I ran out of ink.
    Two. I nd to make connection with my fun. Don’t misunderstand, brother, I have a girl who I am using. To put these words together, I tell her and then she does. Basically, she is putting out. when I put in… I think they call it input… simanyi oba ontegera. Wabula, tolimbye, binno ebyokuteka ebigambo awamu bilumya omuntu omutwe.
    Nninga alinna ne kantoloze, ROR… kwegamba, raugh out raud. Naye, omanyi, katudee mu lu futi futi…Sagala ba hater batandikke okuntekka nga bagamba mbu ‘he is Eritrea, he doesn’t speak or write English”
    You asked me to open a bottle in your letter…I followed your instruction, but I chose instead Louise Thriteen. Please don’t misunderstand…. I am not questioning your advise, but it was easier to pronounce my choice… Olufaransa lwagyira kulyato, if you understand. I mean France came on a sheep.
    Happy new year my brother, although for me, I am not happy. I don’t know if you have been reading peppers, but now it is illegal to be beat-boxing. I am thinking maybe if I can get toner, I mean more money, I can influent someone in palament to pass a bill that will allow beat boxing.
    The entertainment industry is going to regret if they let one person cause it to stop. Who is Leila Kayondo anyway?
    In your message you talked about social media war lord… Please do not associate me with such…those things can bring unwanted attention to a person. Look at Besigye. Remember what happened when they talked of rebel? Look at Gadaffi, do you remember? How about Saddam? I am not afraid, but I am. Please, please, do not talk war load when you talk Rich Gang. I am even having trouble registering my NGO (Non Genuine Organ) because there was trouble after Capital also it it had a Gang.
    Can I tell you a secret, the women are THERE! If you want, I can give you their phones. When they call, you just tell them you will release they’re photos unless they pay… get paid or get laid as Big Sean told me when we were together in South Africa at Big Brother. I don’t like to talk about it because I tried to get a girl tebereza one of my country women, but she jo’d.
    Anyway, tunadamu olulala. I have to go outside to dry otherwise I will need more brown….Kale Zari was all the brown this relation needed, but after she left now I have to carry for both of us. Omwana oli ali dry!
    Any Beewol, thank you my brother.
    Ivan

    • beewol

      January 5, 2016 at 11:47 am

      Gyebaleko mussaja wa Kabaka Ivan. Your response has cracked me up. One of these days tutuule wansi tunywe ku kenge twogere ku bikwata ku bakazi ne sente. I will buy the first round :-)

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