Must Eat Sally

By on October 1, 2018

It is very likely that I have one of the most ferocious and untamed appetites in the whole of East Africa. I can have four or five heavy meals a day and still go to bed feeling hungry. Sometimes I will wake up late in the night to fix myself a quick meal or devour some left-overs from a previous meal. 80% of the time I have dreams at night, they are about food and the other 20%, the dreams are about events where there is food. I have been known to rate my soul very highly and then turn around and sell it for free food. Food messes a lot with my decision making and very often impairs my judgement. There have been attempts to blame this untamed appetite on worms but that has since been dismissed as I have dewormed more times than I can remember.

With this knowledge, one can be excused for assuming that I am a somewhat bulky individual with a bit of weight I could do without and one or two food related illnesses. But Alas! I am a rather lanky and almost skinny individual. I am not big on gym visits because I can’t stand spandex but I do visit a doctor once every month for a comprehensive vetting of my system just to make sure I am not unknowingly killing myself with a food related problem. Most importantly though, every morning, I thank the Lord for my body type – the one that takes in a lot but displays very little.

All my friends really look up to me when it comes to issues regarding food; all except Sally – one of my oldest friends. Sally is the only person I look up to when it comes to food. She is like a wolverine – a heavily built short-legged carnivorous mammal with a long brown coat and a bushy tail. This beast is native to northern tundra and several forests in Eurasia as well as North America. There is only one known Wolverine in Africa and it is found in a lovely country Uganda somewhere in East Africa, its name is Sally and it is beautiful but with a wild appetite.

Sally’s appetite is akin to that of seven starved beasts that have been let loose in an all-you-can-eat buffet. Most of her friends call her Must-Eat-Sally, an attempt to liken her name to Wilson Picket’s smash hit ‘Mustang Sally’. Where Wilson says ‘All you want to do is ride around Sally, ride, Sally, ride‘ we say ‘All you want to do is eat around Sally, eat Sally, eat‘. She is our inhouse food destroyer.

I had promised Sally I’d take her out for lunch some time in the past but I had not really gotten round to doing it partly because she and I were both busy but mostly because I really had to save up enough money to be able to comfortably foot the bill. So last week, after huffing and puffing I finally managed to take Sally for her meal. What a Tsunami of a mistake!

First of all, with Sally, there is no such thing as 3 course, 4 course, 5 course or 8 course meal. With our beautiful Wolverine, it is always a 1 course meal just served in intervals. This is because the order in which she eats her food is quite unconventional and rather undefined. Whatever she sets he eyes on first will be devoured first.

We walked into a restaurant on Buganda Road, me looking around to see what good seats we could occupy, and Sally heading straight for the counter to ask a few questions – or so I imagined. By the time I spotted two seats in the corner where we would sit so we could place our orders, we had already raked up a bill of UGX 14,000. According to Sally, she needed to have two scoops of ice cream as we waited for the menu, who knows, it could take a while to arrive. The menu arrived almost as soon as we sat but of course the ice cream was already resting in peace in her belly.

I picked up the menu and began looking through, hoping to identify something familiar. Sally already knew what she wanted – EVERYTHING! Showing Sally the menu in a restaurant is a always a big mistake because then, an innocent waiter is going to have endless trips to the kitchen bringing item by item until the entire Menu has been sampled and the kitchen is basically empty. Whenever I am with her, I simply ask what she would like and that is what we have. Giving her the menu is like taking a child to a toystore and demanding that they walk out with just one toy – absolutely impossible!

Sally asks for almost everything on the menu, including items from the kids section. According to her, if kids can have it, she can have it – after all, one human needs to ascertain that kids are being fed the right stuff. Some restaurants are quiet elaborate with their menus and might have two or three different menus for different categories of items, Sally will ask for them all and end up ordering various items from each. She reminds me a lot of Parks and Recreation’s Ron Swanson who enters a restaurant and asks for all the bacon and eggs in the kitchen with no shame.

Sally’s process of eating is a bit unique. She will order for as  many things as possible and dig into whatever hits the table first. By the time the sixth or seventh is brought, the first, second and third items are long gone. She is that effective! And once she has devoured the first and second items, she will endlessly cuss the meal for being so small and will remind the waitress or waiter that perhaps they should have hung up a sign saying ‘Food will be rationed’. She does have a sense of humour that one.

According to Sally, when food is served, it has to be eaten right away. What if an earthquake happened? What if the restaurant burned down? What if the food went bad while you were waiting to say a prayer? Sally always insists that one must make haste when dealing with food.

During our meal, I had to repeatedly tell the waitress not to take Sally’s demands too personal or else she would lose her mind. Sally can be polite and sweet and very calm but when it comes to anything food related, it is a war – one she always wins.

A few weeks ago, I was traveling to Jinja for the Nyege Nyege Festival with Sally and two other friends when we stopped over at Namawojjolo for some roasted chicken. Everyone wanted a piece of chicken and since we were four people in the car, the assumption was that each person would get one stick. Sally bought four sumptuous pieces of chicken with some gonja (plantain). Someone else bought a few drinks and we resumed our journey. A few minutes back on the road, someone asked Sally for a piece of chicken and the girl opened her eyes wide in shock. As it turned out, Sally bought the four pieces of chicken for herself and thought everyone was going to buy their own chicken. We had to turn back to buy some more chicken for the rest of us.

Like I already said, I am an undisputed foodist and it is very likely that few people can give me competition. But I take my hat off, take a bow and give respect to Sally. I aspire to be like her. She is the queen of it all.

“There is no love sincerer than the love of food.” ― George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman

a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
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NOTE – I had to seek permission from Sally to share this Blog Post and as expected she agreed that I share her story on condition that I take her for lunch twice next week.

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Beewol – The Talkative Rocker

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Baldie. Ailurophile. Social Media Junkie. Blogger. Pluviophile. Fixer. Sober Drunkard.
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