Jemima, the DVD Player girl

By on April 26, 2016

If your name is Jemima and you sell DVD players on Kampala Road, I have a bone to pick with you. You better stay clear of me or else I might do something very illegal (and extremely painful) to you if I find you.

I’ll tell you why shortly.

Today I am very enraged. Very enraged because someone named Jemima decided to ruin my morning with the most confusing and unbelievable phone call I have ever received. The rage I feel is enough to burn down a house. It actually borders on disgust.

I went to bed very late last night (or rather very early this morning) because I was up waiting for the Game of Thrones Season Six premiere. You see, DSTV is doing us the honours by not airing the episode 987 days later but rather just a few hours after it has dropped in the US. Cool stuff! An episode drops in the US and a few hours later we are devouring it and trying to find out the fate of the Castle Black mutineers, the white walkers and my future ex-wife, Daenerys Targaryen and her dragons.

So this morning I went to bed a little after 3am. At about 6:30 am as I am entering the second phase of my dream-less sleep, a phone call comes through. I let the phone ring for a while because you never know, someone might accidentally dial my number thinking they are calling their driver to pick them from the bar. Early morning calls are not a common occurrence for me. So I never really pick on the first ring.

It rings again. This person must be serious so I pick up, albeit half asleep.

“Hello there,” I yawn into the phone.

“Hi Beewol. This is Jemima”

This person knows me. But I don’t really know any Jemima well enough to expect a call from her at 6am.

“Jemima?” I ask, still half asleep.

“Yes. Jemima from Kampala Road”

At this point, I am starting to actually mentally wake up. This Jemima individual from Kampala Road might have some important news or useful information that requires full attention. I mean why would anyone wake you up at such an ungodly hour with unimportant news, right?

“Good morning Jemima. How may I help you?” I sit up, eyes starting to get used to the early morning brightness.

“I got your number from Melissa …”

I don’t know any Melissa so my confusion has started kicking in.

“Melissa?”

“Yes. Melissa. Patrick’s sister, the one who works at Acacia Mall.”

I don’t know any of these human beings so I am terribly perplexed – which makes me wake up even more.

“Yes. How may I help you Melissa?”

“No, my name is Jemima. Melissa is the one who gave me your nu…”

“How may I help you Jemima?” I interrupt her.

“I have a proposal I’d like to make and I am sure you will love it”

“Can’t it wait till later in the day? I went to be a little late so I am somewhat starved in the sleep department. Can you call back later please?” I garner as much calm and composure as a half asleep human being can garner.

“I am afraid it cannot wait,” Jemima from Kampala Road insists.

“Let’s hear it,” I reluctantly breathe into the mouth piece.

“I would like to offer you a deal for a product that you will absolutely love.”

Oh. So you’re selling something, at 6am, to a stranger. WOW! It better be something fantastic.

“I have with me a wonderful DVD Player that I would like you to purchase.”

For a moment, I am not sure what I have just heard so I request that she repeats herself.

“It is a brand new Sony DVD player at a giveaway price of just Shillings 150,000. You can plug in and play movies via USB and it has got full HD 1080p. Might you be interested? We can have it delivered to wherever you are if you are interested.”

I have never been so confused and disgusted my whole life. What kind of inconsiderate human being wakes you up from your sweet morning glory sleep to sell a DVD player to you? How heartless can one be?

playerLosing sleep over a DVD player. What has this world come to?

Who even still uses DVD players in this day and age? With all the illegal downloads that are chocking up my laptop, I’d have to be under duress to watch a movie on DVD. Don’t get me wrong, I have a huge collection of DVDs but that is only because Pornography is better in Hard Copy, and I watch them on my laptop. Other than that, I think DVD players are like Game Boys. The only thing they are good for is #ThrowBackThursday.

At this point, my mind has switched off from the conversation. I have not hung up yet because that would be rude. I never hung up on anyone unless they say something awful about cats or Manchester United.

“Why can’t we talk about this DVD player later?” Now fully awake, I struggle to maintain my composure.

“Because the deal will be off!” Jemima retorts.

“Well then, how about I hung up and the deal is off right here right now? It is 6am for crying out loud Jemima.”

“It is not 6am Beewol. It is 6:46am. And I guarantee you will not get a deal better than this anywhere in town. I can whatsapp you the pictures and then you can see for yourself what a wonderful DVD player you will be purchasing?”

What the phuck!

This product salesperson Jemima from Kampala Road is not only ruining my delicious morning sleep, but she is also being a smartarse, correcting my timing and even asking for my whatsapp number!

These are the people who force others to say things like ‘I hate all human beings.’ I mean, why would anyone put you through this misery on an early Tuesday morning all because of a stupid DVD player that may not even support the format of Porn DVDs that I have?

Absolute madness!

“Can I call you back later for details on this phenomenon DVD player Meliss… Jemima?” I manage to say.

“Yes you can Beewol. In fact, I will remind you at mid day with a phone call”

“Thank you. Have a wonderful day selling DVDs”

I hung up.

angry-black-man-on-phone

As I struggle to get back my now lost sleep, thoughts are running through my mind; why are human beings this inconsiderate? Why do people still sell DVD players anyway?

And then I drift off to sleep, and I end up dreaming … ABOUT DVD PLAYERS!

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
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Beewol – The Talkative Rocker

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Baldie. Ailurophile. Social Media Junkie. Blogger. Pluviophile. Fixer. Sober Drunkard.
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