For Lashing

By on August 29, 2016
Whip new

When I was younger I kept a diary. I loved writing and had quite a lot of storytelling red blood cells in my body the desire to write was an itch – one that would never go away. And so I had my little diary where I would jot down all kinds of things. In it I would record all my tiny little adolescent secrets ranging from secret desires to burn down teachers’ quarters to tiny little crushes I had on unsuspecting females in class.

Occasionally someone would pick it up, read it and just throw a blank look in my direction. It was the most coded tiny little book on earth, even Opus Dei would be so proud of me.

CodeI was a protege of the Oracle 

So many years later, the secrets are bigger, the coded language is more complex and the desire to write is even more engulfing. Nowadays though, due to the advent of technology and her cousin the internet, I do not have to carry around a weather beaten book that would make me appear like a relic treasure hunter or church missionary spreading the word of God with a hand-me-down Bible.

Now I blog.

In my tiny little diaries I always had a section titled ‘For Lashing.’ In this section I would vent and nominate people who I think deserved to be lashed. I would write down a name of a person (people), write down why I think they deserved to be lashed and then finish it off with the appropriate kind of lashing I would recommend.

Today, I have a few folks I am nominating for this legendary lash.

1. People who don’t wash their expensive Range Rovers

I have never owned a Ranger Rover. In fact, it is very unlikely I will own one in this life. But if the Universe somehow conspires to make me own one, I will treat that machine like the wife I have always wanted but have never had.

It rubs me the wrong way when I see someone driving a Range Rover (of any model) and the car looks dirty and unwashed. That’s like owning a gorgeous 40 inch TV and watching Telemundo Soaps on it. Those things are meant for HD Sports, Horrors and Video Gaming; nothing less and nothing more.

Therefore any person who owns a Range Rover has absolutely no right to drive it around before making sure it is spotlessly clean and sparkling. Cars like Range Rovers, Mercedes Benz and Ferraris should never come in contact with dirt or else their owners should be lashed.

Range

Why would you not want to wash such a car?

Prescribed lash – 45 heavy lashes for every time one’s Range Rover is spotted to be dirty. Lashes delivered by Brian Shaw, the winner of the 2011 World’s Strongest Man, 2013 World’s Strongest Man, 2015 World’s Strongest Man and the 2016 World’s Strongest Man competitions.

2. Musicians who keep screaming their names throughout songs

Listen guys, I absolutely understand that in this day and age there are so many musicians one is bound to lose track of who is who. I also appreciate that sometimes when a song features three or more people, you might need to occasionally scream your name lest you disappear into oblivion and not get nominated for a certain award.

However, I refuse to think that without someone screaming their name every after two lines people will not appreciate a song. Why do you have to keep reminding us who the heck you are? It’s not like someone will listen to a song and then half way into the song they will suddenly attribute the song to another person. The song is yours – calm the fuck down!

Every musician is allowed to mention their name once or twice in a song. Anything more than that should be deemed a crime punishable by proper lashes.

Prescribed lash punishment – Mentioning one’s name twice in a song is permitted. Anything more should be met with uncompromising lashes delivered by the entire 5th Battalion of the UPDF.

3. Government Officials and representatives who think they are larger than life and therefore cannot be touched

If you have lived in Uganda for a couple of years, you will come to realize that there are certain Government officials who take the whole ‘immunity’ thing a tad too far. They drive on the wrong side of the road, jump cues everywhere they go, talk down people left right and center, use money to acquire  girlfriends without a bother and basically go out of their way to remind the rest of the world that they are important human beings.

Such people piss me off not only because they are feeding off of tax payers’ money but also because they are basically biting the hand that feeds them. The same people who are breaking their backs to support the Government expenditure through tax payments are the same people being trampled upon by these ‘important’ individuals.

Prescribed lash – Any Government official or representative who engages in belittling, sidestepping, arrogance and impunity must be subjected to 10 lashes per hour for the 24 hour period following their ridiculous behavior. The lash shall be delivered by a person of the victim’s choosing. And if the victim is not able to, the Constitution would delegate the responsibility of lashing to the first brick layer in a 25 KM radius.

Kibule No matter how much you bribe the batuuze, they’d still lash you

4. All Arsenal / Liverpool / Man City supporters

I know a good chunk of readers of this blog agree with me on a number of things I say. I also know that many of these people have one small problem with me; I am a staunch supporter of Man United. And so occasionally I engage in some back and forth with them via mail, Twitter DM, Whatsapp, Facebook inbox and even bar counter. Basically everyone hates Man United supporters. We are noisy, bullish, arrogant and extremely over bearing. Occasionally we get way ahead of ourselves and call non Man United fans all sorts of names ranging from Losers to Arseholes to Manshit fans. We don’t fucking care! Anyone who does not like Man United needs a lashing.

Prescribed lash – Two hardcore lashes delivered by any Man United supporter who can name the two managers who handled Man United before Sir Alex Fregusson.

United

End of Discussion!

“All opinions are not equal. Some are a very great deal more robust, sophisticated and well supported in logic and argument than others.” ― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt

Bernard
a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
Follow @beewol on Twitter

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beewol

Baldie. Ailurophile. Social Media Junkie. Blogger. Pluviophile. Fixer. Sober Drunkard.
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