7 things you MUST do on the internet this year

By on January 22, 2018

If you often spend countless hours staring into the sky, wondering when aliens will finally make contact with the human race, please calm down and do something else – the aliens are not coming. If you have wondered how we can venture into planets like LV-426, Pandora, Cybertron, Xander, Krypton, Solaris, Ego the living planet or even Mars in search of intelligent life, stop wondering because the intelligent life is right here on earth. We are it. And as one of the earthlings, allow me share some of my intelligence with the rest of your race.

At the beginning of year, I did mention that the issue of New Year Resolutions runs till the end of January. And now that the month of January is coming to an end, we officially begin the year with actually attainable plans and goals set for us.

I have listed a few things that should be easy for everyone to do this year. As long as you have access to the internet and you have a profile on any Social networking profile, you should be able to do these seven important things without losing an ounce of sleep. In fact, you MUST do these seven things.

1. Get into an online fight.

There are people who don’t have to do much to elicit a fight. Everything they say online is simply a bell for another round of fighting. They are extremenly opinionated and do not necessarily tolerate divergent opinions. They will fight anyone and everyone for whatever reason tickles their fancy. If however unlike them you are a decent person who never wants to get into a fight because you respect others and you are willing to hear everyone out before indulging in any arguments, you need to do something about it. Before this year ends, you should have either attacked someone or been attacked by someone else and essentially folded your knuckles to engage in an online fight. Pick a social media platform, share some very vile opinion and stand by it. The fight can and should be anything including Grammar Nazism, ridiculous opinions on feminism, Strange Socio-Economic stance or just political confusion.

2. Identify as a minority of some sorts

If you are a disabled transgender albino who is into scientology and is vegetarian, you are already ahead of the game. Make sure the world knows how much of a minority you are. This year, according to reliable fortune tellers, is a year of minorities. Make sure you identify with at least one minority group. Quite naturally, this means that you will have to look inside you for some really unique attributes, behaviours, beliefs and ways of life for you to identify what minority conversation you can start. Make sure that by the time the year ends, you are able to rally one or two people behind you for a hashtag that will speak about your cause. And if all goes well, you could even seek police permission and match in the streets of kampala demanding your rights and asking that you be treated like everyone else. If you are minority, this year should me major for you. (See what I did there?)

3. Skip out on the Internet for sometime

Some people can not spend an entire day without the internet. Others cannot go a few hours. But there are those who can not survive without the internet for just minutes. After a few minutes of no internet, they develop withdrawal symptoms and could easily lose their minds altogether. Take a break from the internet this year. Of course don’t skip out on us for the whole year. We need to know when you get a baby, when you graduate, when you marry and even when you die. Just take a sizeable time off the internet to do whatever the hell you want to do. Read or write a book, travel the world, grow fat, rediscover yourself or just abandon your internet friends for a period of time enough for you to feel substantially free from the shackles of the internet. Most people assume that addiction to the internet is something restricted to the pages of Google and Web MD. However, internet addiction is real. While everyone is having a great time online, sharing photos of their neighbours babies and their friend’s houses, take a step back and go offline – for a while. Tell us how that works out at the end of the year, we will be online – waiting for you.

4. Stalk your Crush 

As a professional in the stalking of a crush business, I will very confidently state that there is no happiness on this earth as much as the happiness I get from silently looking at the lives of people I crush on. Instead of subjecting yourself to daily torture of waiting for your crush to say something online in the morning so you can also start your day, how about you take the initiative and stalk them. You have to be careful though to make sure that you do not stalk them in a manner that raises eyebrows. If you cannot resist adding ‘LOL’, ‘You’re so pretty’ or ‘Check Your Inbox’ to your crush’s posts from five years ago, then perhaps you need to stay away from this game. Master some stealth and take a journey into your crush’s world without their permission. You’re gonna get depressed at some point, and then smile at another point.


5. Post a picture of a baby or a cat

By the end of the year, some people will have been lucky enough to have born offsprings. Others will have been lucky enough to adopt pets. Whether or not you have any of these two, this year you MUST get with the times and post a picture of either a baby or a cat, or both. This is the year of babies and cats (just like last year was and the year before that). These little bundles of joy show the world that you are able to reproduce and they eliminate any doubts as to how sensitive you may be. If you are unable to adopt a pet or get a child, borrow a friend’s pet or child, take a picture and post it with a caption that does not give away your personaly failures to get your own bundle of joy. Claim those bundles of joy like they are yours and for added effect, post some inspiration and sensitive quotes about how the child inside you feels at peace being with a baby or a pet. As already stated, 2018 is the year of the babies and cats.


6. Relentlessly complain about the Government

If you are Ugandan, you may not need much advice here because you have probably already mastered the art and you are well polished in this department. However, once again, if you are one of those sons or daughters of Ministers or friends of a certain Government Official and therefore you naturally suffer from myopia because you can’t see anything wrong with the status quo, find something to complain about. As soon as you walk out of your high rise fence house, I can guarantee that you will find a reason or two or fifteen to complain about the Government. Either a road will be shoddy, prices of goods will be through the roof, some hospital somewhere will be collapsing or the Vice President will be wearing an ugly oversize coat. There is always something you can complain about. And if you absolutely can’t see anything to complain about, pick any day of the year, buy the national dailies and type out the headlines just the way you see them. I can bet my partially functioning liver you will have enough complaints to last you a life time. Don’t be shy – do it.

Wear the tshirt

7. Create a positive shock

There are institutions in this country that are always in the line of fire from citizens both online and offline. One such institution is UMEME. This year, instead of berating them for all the dark years of your life, take a moment and find out how and why exactly they subject you to darkness. In stead of joining the masses and making noise about how you have no power, find out what exactly causes these black outs. Find out who is responsible for power generation and distribution. Find out why exactly the entire country is not able to have power yet everyone pays taxes and needs the power. Find out how the YAKA units are measured and how they are costed. Then go ahead and use this information to attack the right institutions. Do the same for National Water and Sewerage cooperation, NSSF and all those other bodies that are always on the receiving end of the fury of citizens.

Find out how Yaka! Works. How much are the taxes? Where does the money go?

By the time the year comes to an end, you should be able to stand tall and say you have attained at least 6 of these 7 things. Short of that, you should abandon the internet and crawl into a rock with no internet, electricity and intelligent life.

“You can never know what you are fully made of until you start to do the things that fear you the most.” ― Edmond Mbiaka

a.k.a Beewol
The Talkative Rocker
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Beewol – The Talkative Rocker

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Baldie. Ailurophile. Social Media Junkie. Blogger. Pluviophile. Fixer. Sober Drunkard.
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